Love is a Choice: From Morgenstern's Blog....

"Love is a Choice."
By: Morgenstern (You can find her blog in the blog listings on the right)

Robert and I were asked to attend an Engaged Encounter weekend as part of the criteria to be married in the Catholic Church. Why the Catholic Church? Because your resident bride-in-training is a Roman Catholic, and she desires to receive one of her final sacraments (that of matrimony). Robert, although not Catholic, was not difficult to persuade. He understands the importance of my religion and its place in our day. He's supportive and always has been.

Before I go on with the true thesis statement of my blog, I'll briefly explain what Engaged Encounter is to those who may not be familiar with it. This is a pre-marriage counseling program that helps give engaged couples a concentrated, focused, directed opportunity to explore topics that may have been avoided. There were over 25 couples at our weekend, and in addition to those couples, there were three married couples and a priest. The three married couples were at different places: the youngest couple was married last October, the middle couple was married for 30 years, and the oldest couple was married for 40 years. The youngest couple did not lead any meetings, but those were instead handled by the older couples. Obviously, being married and committed to a single person for a number of decades imbues one with a level of ethos. They met with us several hours a day (one hour per meeting topic), and between meetings, the couples were asked to write journal responses to their fiancé(e) about the topic. The couples then met privately with each other and discussed their responses.

One of the topics, and this is my thesis statement, is that love is a choice. Love is a choice.

Love is a CHOICE.

Love does not happen to you. Love does not smack you across the face and just come over you one day. All the songs say so, but they're wrong. It isn't as easy as "wham! bam!" like Nat King Cole would have us believe.

Lust, immediate sexual attraction, infatuation...those are easy as "wham! bam!"...but LOVE. Love is a choice.

Now, to be clear, both parties are responsible for making the choice to love every single day. The minute one person chooses not to love or be loving is the minute that trust is violated. It is not enough for one person to choose to love while the other has eschewed that choice for another one.There have been times, and really only a couple because Robert and I have only been together for a year and a half, when I have had to sit down and make a very VERY conscious choice to love him anyway. It goes like this: rather than ever saying "I love you, but..." the phrase should be instead "...., but I love you." See the difference? The former phrase negates itself with the use of "but." The latter phrase makes the choice. I am choosing to love you despite any potential obstacle. I choose to love you above anything else. Above EVERYTHING else. I love you instead.

I'll repeat one thing: both parties are responsible for making the choice to love every single day. The relationship requires reevaluation when one party feels incapable of making that choice. One person cannot save a relationship. It's too much. You can't love enough for two people. It's just impossible and unfair.At the end of the day, both partners in the relationship have to ask themselves two questions: 1. am I making the choice to love my partner every day? 2. do I feel my partner is making the choice to love me every day?