Saturday, July 26, 2008

My last tidbit of relationship advice: Letting Go.

I've talked about "letting go" before (http://iamnormalyourenot.com/2008/06/100-blog-topics-i-hope-you-write-83.html); however, it has a whole new meaning now. I thought I would expand. I doubt myself that I could possibly give relationship advice. I'm not giving relationship advice, I'm pointing out the obvious in hopes of helping others.

You go to sleep, you lie in bed, you hear their voice, and in your thoughts, you remember things like the way they laughed, the way they had to have some body part touching yours just to know you are there with them. But when you wake up, they're not there. The pain is there, and it runs so deep, you wonder if you will ever be able to move on. Losing someone you care for, no matter what the circumstances, doesn't get any easier as you get older. You feel as though no one could ever take their place, and for awhile, you don't see anyone as themselves, you only see them as "not" that person you lost in your life. Don't feel like a failure because it's taking awhile to get over that person, but it's healthy to realize and necessary to accept that the relationship is over. You need to take steps to heal yourself and your heart. "Moving on" and "letting go" is not easy when you've invested so much.

1. Acknowledge your feelings. Allow yourself time to cry, grieve, but don't get so wrapped up in crying and grieving and overthinking things that you fall into a black hole of despair. Everyone falls into that black hole, but only you, not someone else can pull you back out. When you find yourself crying and upset for a long period of time, STOP. Redirect to a more positive venture. No, it's not easy, but it's worth it. Call a friend, read a book, go for a walk.

2. Release. Talk to a trusted friend. Don't keep things bottled up no matter how much you think it will hurt to let it all go. The more you keep bottled up, the more toxic it becomes. The more your brain starts overthinking things, and the closer you'll get to never getting out of the black hole.

3. Don't Remove yourself from friends. Keep in contact with friends. Don't immerse yourself in work or something of the sort. You can't effectively work with stress and pain weighing so heavily in your life. Let your friends be your support system. Nothing will get accomplished if you remove yourself from living and, instead, fool yourself with forcing yourself to forget.

4. Who are You? This is the time to embrace your good qualities. Think about the things you love: sports, hobbies, the people who love you, your friends, your family. Things that make you smile though not necessarily things that will always remind you of the person you lost. Don't allow this loss to steal YOU. Give yourself some me time. By me time I mean time alone. Time to do things for YOU.

5. Take care of yourself. If you're overly upset, chances are eating and sleeping are not only NOT priorities but are, more or less, non existent. Not eating and/or not sleeping can lead to more problems. It will only wear you down. Combine that with stress, and you won't be able to tackle what you need to. Talk to someone for guidance or to vent: friend, family, pastor, even an anonymous crisis center.

6. DO NOT. Do not get involved in a new relationship until you have healed completely. Do not think you are healed completely and then jump into a relationship. It isn't a quick fix, and it leads to heartache. Until you can think about the person you lost and say, "No" to that person or thoughts about that person, you're not healed. If you find yourself even remotely thinking about that person and "what ifs" or getting upset about "memories" that have resurfaced, you are NOT healed. You are only completely healed when someone mentions their name, or you think of something, and don't feel a pull in your heart. If that person should contact you and says things you always wanted to hear, and you feel no pain in your heart, and you aren't thinking of them and can say, "You know what? please stop" you're healed. Only when you heal yourself can you love someone else.

2 comments:

Amanda said...

This is good advice. I knew we were past all ex-relationships when I asked Robert one day, "Do you ever think of XXXX as 'the one who got away'?" (XXXX = his first love before me.) He looked at me as though I were crazy, wrapped his arms around me and immediately said, "No." There was no pause for consideration, no hint of a second-guess in his eyes.

When you can say "no" to your ex as "the one," then yes...you're healed. Until then, you still need time to heal. (And by "you"...I mean...well...you know who I mean, and [if he reads this anymore] he knows who I mean.)

Anonymous said...

I am glad that you posted this, Shelby. It broke my heart to hear you the other night. I can't even begin to understand your confusion on the matter. I am so sorry things happened this way. I know that you lost a lot and probably more than he'll ever know.

Please take care of yourself and know that you can't help someone until they want to help themselves.

We both love you, and I hope that OTHERS will read this post and benefit from it as well.