Toxicity (LONG)

Irony is the fact that this is the fourth time I have heard the mention of "toxic." This past weekend, I received a phone call from an ex. Let me rephrase that, after he called 8 times in a row, and I didn't answer, I thought he might seriously be in trouble (car accident, etc.). Alas, that was not the case, and I told him he was toxic. This is in no relation to Britney Spears' song, "Toxic."

I think we can all benefit from this no matter what relationships: teachers, students, coworkers, friends, significant others. Considering this was written by a psychiatrist with a PhD, it's valid:

Toxic: Bad Relationships, What to Do About Them
By: Pamela Brewer, PhD

Most of us can come up with a mile-long list of people who've made us miserable, some time or the other - teachers, classmates, brothers, sisters, parents, friends, colleagues... while you were allowing them to make you feel angry, confused and irritated, unknown to you, they were seriously damaging your health. In other words, they were toxic.

(My $0.02 (herein referred to as "02" if used again) - we never see an interpersonal relationship AS being toxic until it's too late, or until we release ourselves from the toxic relationship, have time to recover and reflect)

Here we go again. Another 2 a.m. phone call, with my best friend pouring her heart out about the latest disaster in her life. Love her as I do, 2 a.m. isn't my best time - especially when I've got an early start and a skin that needs at least eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

(02: I don't mind when my friends call me in the middle of the night with such phone calls. Once it becomes habitual, then there is another issue going other than just another break up that should be addressed)

Still, have you ever tried saying no to a friend in need? Exactly. So you end up spending an hour saying yes and no in all the right places, then get a headache and take refuge in a peanut butter sandwich. According to psychologist, Dr. Lillian Glass, author of Toxic People the headaches/peanut butter sandwiches are proof that we're under fire from a toxic person - in other words, "anyone who manages to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled or confused."

(02: People often say "he/she has so much drama" as a word to replace a person who is toxic.)

But what makes a toxic person tick? "They're people whose feelings of insecurity and inadequacy make them jealous, envious and/or uncaring, so they end up sabotaging your projects, your relationships, your happiness-even your car journey!" explains Dr Glass.

It could be the temperamental boss who's never satisfied, the friend who knows where you're going wrong (and revels in telling you), or the critical parent who can't stop treating you like a naughty ten-year-old.

But whatever your own personal definition of a toxic person, one thing is certain - putting up with a toxic relationship can seriously damage your health. "Migraines, eye-twitches, skin rashes and eating disorders often have their roots in toxic relationship that have gone on for too long," explains Dr. Glass.

Listing the people and types of behavior that get to you is Dr. Glass's first step to detoxing your relationships - and your life. (And, believe it or not, that's the easy bit!) But the good news is there are ways of responding that can stop you being the victim of toxic behavior.

Just deciding to do something about the toxic people in your life is a big step in itself. You might know you should detox from your friend/partner/boss, but it's not always that easy to do it. Okay you can find other friends, partners and jobs, but you can't, for instance, go out and choose a new mother.

"You have to weigh up the toxic person's behavior, your reaction to it and what's stake," says Clare Hershman, a counsellor who specialises in addictions. "If they're paying you Pound 20,000 a year, you may decide, 'Okay, I'll take the money and stand on my head if they want me to, but I'm not going to let my emotions into this drama.'" And there's the crunch. While toxic people can make our lives unbearable, we're the only ones who can do something about it.

TOXIC FRIENDS

You think they care for you, but their behavior says otherwise.

You share so much with a "mate" that it's sometimes hard to see that they're actually doing you harm. Over the years I've gradually realised I can't solve my friends' problems, until they want to - and, believe me, some of them don't want to - nor do they want to hear about mine.

Deena, 28, and Kate, 28, have been friends for 15 years, but Deena feels she's always given more time to Kate than vice versa, "Kate always finds a story to top mine and switches the conversation back to herself," she complains. "I end up feeling sidelined."

According to Dr. Glass, "Kate's a perfect example of the very self-absorbed person with a fragile ego. She's insecure and needs lots of reassurance and soothing words to build up her self-esteem." But she clearly isn't quite so sensitive when it comes to everyone else's feeling. Recognise the type?

Her selfishness probably isn't intentional, but you still need to confront her. Say something like, "I sometimes get the feeling you're not really listening to me - and it's upsetting." Be direct and honest, without tears or tantrums.

In fact, friendships are a good training ground for sorting out toxic people, because if they're any kind of friend, they really do want what's best for you. Then again, if you've weighed up the pros and cons and think, "Well, she can be a prime woman, but she does know how to get into the best clubs," rely on her for that, but nothing more. And if you really can't stand any more 2 am calls, buy some ear plugs and let your answering machine do more night shifts. This same process can be applied to persons in your past: past relationships, past friends, etc.

TOXIC EX PARTNERS

The most stressful baggage in your life.

No one needs telling that along with all the love, fun and exploration in a relationship, a whole load of other (less pleasant) issues are usually waiting in the wings. As most of us have discovered, at some point or another, even the most wonderful partner can have a toxic side that often goes unnoticed on our parts.

Most of us have encountered uncommunicative partners who keep their feelings under lock and key, and keep you utterly confused. No one's saying you have to keep on bashing your head against a brick wall, but sometimes explosive showdowns are just the bombshell this kind of person needs.

"Ultimately, you can only change yourself, not someone else," confirms counselor, Mary Godden. It's up to you to decide how much of pushing around you will or will not take.

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Dr. Brewer's 02:

Dr. Brewer: There are many reasons why we choose toxic relationships. We may have grown up in a toxic household, we may have been taught that we are not deserving of happiness, or we may have learned to take responsibility for others. One of the most important things to remember about being in a toxic relationship, is that you do have choices and you can get out!

A toxic relationship is one in which you are chronically tired, upset, angry, confused, or frightened. A relationship in which you do not have the "right" to express yourself. In short, a relationship that is abusive in any way, may be a toxic relationship.

We stay in relationships because we do not understand that we have rights and options or that it feels "comfortable" to us. Low self-esteem can be a factor in remaining, as well as depression, fear of being alone, or that you believe the person genuinely cares and can change at some point. Sometimes, people stay because the toxic relationship so much mirrors their lives as children, that they truly may not have a sense that it is a toxic relationship and that life can be better.

Q&A session:

Question: We have separated several times. We then come back saying things will change, and things don't.

Dr. Brewer: Don't kid yourself, you describe the typical cycle of a toxic relationship:

* a blow up
* then the honeymoon period in which things are agreed upon to change
* and then it doesn't change and things begin to escalate
* and then the explosion again
* and then the honeymoon period

Question: How are depression and self-esteem factors in toxic relationships? Does that mean that the person does not have a clear sense of their own boundaries and a fear of being out of control of their lives, or out of control of other people?

Dr. Brewer: When you are feeling depressed or stressed, it is hard to have clarity about your life and what is reasonable, appropriate, or respectful. Depression and stress sap emotional and physical strength, both of which are critical in relationships. Low self-esteem tells one that they do not have rights or options, which is again, an energy drainer. And yes, depression and stress can inhibit your sense of your own boundaries and your need and right to set boundaries with others.