Gaming Review

1) Guitar Hero III - It's safe to say that while I may have the drums and singing down pat in Rock Band, I suck at Guitar Hero III. After knowing how to play the guitar, my fingers fumble looking for notes that aren't there. It was quite humorous, I'm sure of it. I cuss during some gaming, and I find myself laughing uncontrollably at how bad I suck at GH-III. I managed to get through a Dropkick Murphys song, Pat Benatar, Disturbed, and some others, but GH-III will require MUCH more play time to even begin to fit in the groove.


2) Halo 3: Slayer - Most anyone that has played Halo with me knows...this is not my favorite. I seem to recall "someone's" blog post from way back when about "understanding when I get annoyed playing with pre-teens on Live." Yeah...I can see how that would happen. My new slayer comparison - 25-13 (I think...right?). I was not the 25'er, but I did manage to have a few good moments, "where are you? how did you get up there?"


3) Portal - ah, Portal. When I first started playing, I was confused but easily fell into the swing of it all. Now I find myself in the final areas of the last Testchamber. I follow the sign for cake! (the cake is a lie, the cake is a lie, the cake is a lie, the cake is a lie....) Hey there is no cake only a maniacal Glados who still says things like, "remember that time I told you there was cake, and then you went through the fire?" almost reminicing how "fun" that was. Let's see, I've launched myself through the air, giggled when I knocked over laser-scoping gun-bots, found myself saying stuff like, "oh well...crap...I fell in the acid again" and found myself thinking about alternate physics "if I put a blue portal there, and an orange portal here, and then run and jump here, fall, and shoot, I'll be over there on that side from that blue portal." Right - doesn't make sense? it will. I message my Portal Pal and tell him where I am in Portal. He "lol" at me and informs me that "sometimes you can come from the floor." Okay - lots of help that does though I have two new tactics to try when I play next...without getting crushed by giant piston like steel tubes.


4) Bioshock - I am set to play Bioshock. I can't comment on it and am trying to look at some screenshots or just a basic, "this is what it is" without cheating and looking for the player's guide. (I've been successful in NOT doing that for any game I've ever played though really wanted one for Portal last night!)

And that's my gaming review.

You're not a REAL gamer....

You're not a REAL gamer until you've seen Grandma's Boy at least three times.

Quotes:

ALEX: My Grandma drank all my pot.
JEFF: That's awesome.
ALEX: What?
JEFF: I mean, how many people can say that in a lifetime?
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DANTE: Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called Brown bomber.
ALEX: Why is it called that?
DANTE: Because when you smoke it You get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!
JEFF: Uh, I don't wanna do that.
BARRY: Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.

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JEFF: I can't believe you came on my mom! (the infamous Tomb Raider scene)

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Josh and Alex are playing a game when the movie opens. Alex is kicking Josh's ass:

JOSH: [first line in the movie] FUCK! Stop hitting me! (wherein when Alex isn't looking, Josh unplugs his controller and beats Alex)

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JEFF: Do you have bathrooms here, or do I have to shit in a plant?
SHILOH (David Spade): BAHAHAHA! Stupid FUCKING idiot! Red-shirted ASS! You guys think you're so fucking cool, it makes me sick! "Oh, let's go make fun of the vegans, and their crazy lifestyle!" We're not hurting anyone! Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick!

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SAMANTHA: Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15 because those are the real problem levels and...
SAMANTHA: Is he sleeping?
JEFF: Yes, and possibly shitting his pants.
[pats Alex]
JEFF: Wake up, dude.
ALEX: [wakes up] No chores, Grandma!
SAMANTHA: Nice rip, Alex.
ALEX: Rip what?

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J.P.: All I've ever cared about was video games and they made me a millionaire. So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was, or who invented the helicopter even though I own one, but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk. I'm thinking about getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.

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JOSH: She's a massage therapist!
MOVER #2: Yeah, she'll massage your cock for money.
MOVER #1: There's a word for that, I think it's hooker.
JOSH: YOU'RE A HOOKER!

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ALEX: Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for a while.
DANTE: Whoa, I don't know, man. I got a business to run. This is like my office as well as my home. Plus, the lion comes in a couple days.
ALEX: You're getting a lion?
DANTE: Yeah.
ALEX: Why?
ALEX: Never heard of a dog?
ALEX: Yeah, that's true.

Jack Attack: Portal: XBox 360

"Want to play XBox tonight?"

That's how it started. It comprised of two guns, a smartass computer narrator, an inanimate companion cube, "no hard feelings" and me knowing when to quit for the night. Mix together, shake, and serve: Portal for XBox 360.

If you're not into "shoot-em-up" games or games where you have to rescue someone, etc. but prefer more logic games (think the LSAT), Portal is definitely the one for you. If you get frustrated easily, Portal is NOT the one for you. You had better be prepared to put all of your brain energy (or at least the majority of it ;) ) into playing this game.

The point of the game, without giving too much away, is to maneuver through a series of mind puzzles; an understanding or an open-mind to alternate physics and a small grasp in geometric angles helps.

Though from the point I played up to there aren't any other human characters, you might find yourself talking to an inanimate "companion cube" or saying "take that" to little laser-shooting bots trying to kill you as you knock them over.

All-in-all, I can tell that Portal will be one of those games that I need to spend an entire afternoon playing...until I get frustrated and have to take an extensive break.

Mountains to Cotton Fields.

A walk through my childhood....

I can honestly say that I had a great childhood. I was born and raised for ten and a half years in a small village in New York. It was home to dairy farms and apple orchards.

Okay so that barn looks a little dilapidated. That's because it is, but when I was a kid, the fields were green, the barn was in better shape, and black and white holstein cows dotted the pastures.

I have one older brother. We are only a year and a half apart so I always had someone to play with growing up. Though I did, indeed, like Barbies, Breyer horses and Legos were MY passion.

Now, if you didn't like Legos...what's wrong with you? I remember the Lego kits - the real ones? The ones where you actually had to find a miniscule piece in an ocean of rainbow colors to put in just the right spot, or the suspension of the firetruck just wasn't right. Now it seems like Lego kits are these massive parts you throw together in five minutes. What's the fun in that? I can still be found in Dawsonville at the Outlet Mall at the Lego store....playing with Legos in the back with the kids.

When we weren't playing Legos around the house, we were outside riding bikes, hiking up and down the hill in the back, playing whiffle ball, fishing at the pond across the street, and just being good kids.

Around 1987 or so, my parents bought my brother the original NES (Nintendo Entertainment System for you non-gaming folks). The first game we had? Top Gun. I was great at it...except for landing on the aircraft carrier. I think that's the downfall of the game for most people. My brother? landed on it every time. I wonder if I could land on it now?

We then got....Mario Bros., Legend of Zelda, Gyromite, and some others. I think a first date question to see if you and the person are going to get along is ask, "what color was the game cartridge for the first Legend of Zelda game on NES?" If the person professes to be a "gamer" (right after you said you were), they should definitely know the answer to this question.

My brother had his friends, I had mine, but we both had each other. Some of our favorite games to play (that we now realize are dangerous!)

1) I hold the match while my brother shoots WD-40 at it...seeing how big the flame gets.

2) Play with spray paint in the garage with our gloves on, gloves covered in spray paint, we're smart enough to "wash our hands" with gasoline to get the paint off, questioned by mom, "have you been playing with spray paint again?" No...we answer...ourselves just smelling horribly like gasoline, and our gloves covered in red spray paint. I guess that's what they mean by "caught red-handed."

3) We had blacktop driveways in NY. When it rained, shortly thereafter, or when it was sprinkling, we would get my Pop's oil cans (similar to that of the Tin Man in Wizard of Oz) and put drops and puddles of oil all over the driveway because we liked the cool colors.

4) Planning our "great escape." Does every kid do this? Does every kid plan their running away plan? We never carried it out, and I have no idea why we wanted to do so, but we were very diligent in planning:

* Take the dog

* Take toilet paper

* Take a gallon of milk (we weren't thinking about refrigeration)

* Take a long stick that was sharpened at the end for fishing, etc.

* Run away to Amish Country

Okay so the last one - didn't make sense to me either, but we vacationed there one time, and it seemed like "the place" to runaway to. If we had done so, chances are I wouldn't even know what the internet was let alone a "blog."

One of our favorite places to vacation was "Cape May, NJ." It is the southernmost tip of New Jersey. We would count down at the end of the Garden State Parkway......threeeeeee.....twoooooooo......onnnnneeee.......CAPE MAY! Since Cape May was the zero mile marker. We spent our time in an older beachhouse, but to us it was perfect. I'd walk down to the bay with my "aunt" (a family friend, not relative) and walk along the beach past the washed up Horseshoe Crabs singing the Smothers Brothers' "Crabs walk sideways.....and lobsters walk straight" while interchangeably walking sideways...and straight. It was the little things like that that I remember most.

Our days were spent on the beach among Victorian homes and arcades on the boardwalk. My brother and I would make sloppy sand (mixing dry sand with water and then dripping it from between our fingers), and we would always play in the ocean and ride the waves.

That's me, the hottie, in a pose I probably saw in a Spiegel catalog.

We would go to Wildwood in the evening - Morey's pier. Piers filled with amusement park rides, arcades, and shops. We would sneak handfuls of free samples at the Fudge Kitchen at the Washington Square Mall, and we ALWAYS rode the horse and carriage (of course).

Our mom and dad stayed together. Our village was small. Everyone knew everyone. When the new Burger King came to town, my brother and I would walk about 2 miles on our downtown and get two milkshakes and then walk back home (with our parents' permission). The town was a firefighting town. Almost everyone was a volunteer firefighter including our dad. Our grandparents lived downstairs in our house (mother in law suite) when they weren't in Florida. Pop took me for rides on his red scooter. Nan had tea parties with me.

Around 1990 or so, the plant where my dad worked was closing, and we had to find another place to live and another job for my dad. He ended up looking at a job in Georgia. Now, my representation of Georgia was hoop skirts, plantation homes, and horses. But when I stepped off the prop job plane onto the tarmack in Dougherty County, Georgia, a small black thing kamikaze'd into my eyeball....my first introduction to the South was a gnat.

Moving to South Georgia was a shock. I wasn't that upset when we moved. To me, it was an adventure. The fact that I couldn't understand anybody was, however, a little frustrating. "White beaches" were actually "white benches." "Windy" was "Wendy," a "Pin" was either a "Pin" or a "Pen." When someone said, "HEY!" I turned around and asked, "What?" I was introduced to tree frogs, "skinks," alligators, alligator snapping turtles, and the ever-present gnats. Nature's small fleet of kamikaze airmen who would make your nose, eyeballs, mouth, and ears their primary targets of destruction.

I can't complain. There are some good people there. My Summers went from spending time at the beach in New Jersey to playing out on the lake on a pontoon boat...swimming under the pontoons and hanging out under the boat. Quail season meant quail fries in the evening spitting out buckshot every once in awhile. Horseback riding on Jimmy Carter's property in Plains, Georgia.

We always tried to do things as a family. On Saturday afternoons, it became a tradition to go ave dinner, change clothes, go to mass at church, on the way home, stop at the video store, rent a video or two and get our free popcorn that they popped there.

Around 1996, things changed abruptly. Earlier, my dad started losing hearing in one ear so he went and had it checked out and was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor in the occipital area of the brain (near the ear). It was called an Acoustic Neuroma. Long story short, while the operation was successful at removing the tumor, it had really taken its toll on my dad. CHF (Congestive Heart Failure), meningitis, etc. There was a time where we were all praying - including community members - for my dad.

At that time, my brother was on the swim team. It was getting close to Christmas. Kids could get out of detention if they brought two cans of food. My parents had been in Atlanta nearly three months straight while we were home alone. We had various teachers and some parents we didn't know making meals for my brother and I and bringing them over. Chili, lasagna, spaghetti, soup, desserts. They brought over paper plates and cups and napkins and utensils s we didn't have to cook. My French teacher gave my brother and I some money to order pizza one night and gave me a hug. Maybe they knew something we didn't, but we thought dad was "fine" and going to be "fine." As Christmas approached, my brother and I decided to set up the Christmas tree and decorate the house for when my parents came home from the hospital from one of many of our dad's surgeries to fix or try to fix the damage that had been done.

We got the tree down, we decorated. I remember going out the back door near our garage and finding a box of things by the door. They were presents for Shane and I - socks, shirts, and some other things. An unsigned Christmas card tucked in the box.

Our parents came home from Atlanta to a decorated house, and I think it really made them happy. Dad was in bed, and that's where Dad would stay, in excrutiating pain from debilitating headaches that Demerol couldn't touch. My parents were afraid of losing their house due to the rising costs of medical bills.

There was a knock at the door. When we answered it, the swim team coach and her daughter were there. They had boxes and boxes of items for us, and they walked in. The food....the canned food that they had collected for "needy families" were for us since our groceries were minimal. They came in with stockings full of gifts for Shane and I and handed my mom some checks that people had written in the community. We had mall gift certificates and other things. It was a good Christmas, and I am thankful to this day to the community in Lee County, Georgia for all that they did for us that year.

A few years later, my mom prayed that my dad would be okay after slipping into Congestive Heart Failure from the steroids he was on for his head. The next moring, he woke up, pain free. Since then my dad will get headaches every once in awhile when he overdoes something and is down and out on Demerol in the bed, but not nearly as bad as he was.

When we got through that rough part in time, our childhood was over. Shane went to college and worked for the DoD. I went off to college in Dahlonega.

But I can honestly say, that we had the best childhood one could ever want.