Boobs.

I can talk about boobs because I am a woman. I can talk about boobs because when puberty hit it was go to sleep one night, and wake up with D cup (at that time) boobs the next morning...or it seemed that way.

I was recently in my cousin's wedding. Don't get me wrong, I like dresses, but I implore brides or persons choosing formal gowns for us big-boobied women to please consider the following:

1) Halter top dresses: please don't. I will use the quick sketch below to explain:



See where the arrow is? Each boob weighs at least 5 lbs a piece - depending on what size cup you are and can go up to 9-10 lbs each. That's 10-20 lbs of boobs being supported by a single strap of fabric on the back of your neck. Here's another clue - gravity. Gravity is gonna tell those suckers to go DOWN. Now you have 10-20 lbs of weight and the pressure from that pulling on your neck - leaving an uncomfortable dress, poor posture, and even worse pictures. No bride wants bad pictures, right?

2) Strapless Dresses: Just say no. You think a halter top dress is bad? Try strapless. There are few people that can pull strapless off because we can't find a brassiere designed by a world-class architect that can support the boobies. We are left with our boobs popping out or constantly pulling our dresses up. See below:




Potential remedies to the boob problem with dresses:

1.

Tape? NO. Tape does not work. Double-sided or fashion tape is only good up to a C-cup. Otherwise, it's about as effective as spitting in the wind.

2.

Strapless also does not work. This bra MIGHT work if you have a dress with spaghetti straps or straps in general. Otherwise, this bra is as effective as using band-aids and string to hold the boobs up. I'm sure Macgyver could make it work, but I'm not Macgyver.

3.

Medieval Torture Device? YES. This is about the only thing that you can use to support boobies in a strapless or some other type of dress that us big-boobed gals shouldn't wear. There is usually metal boning in it combined with hook and eyes and fabric that squeezes everything in while attempting to create a skin shelf for our boobies to sit on...giving the impression that they're perky and supported. WRONG.

So before choosing a formal gown for women Size D-cup and up, please consider the above and opt for one of the following:

1) Capped sleeves
2) Normal straps
3) Slightly off the shoulder straps.


Thank you from all of the big-boobed ladies of the world.